I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
