Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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