My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
