3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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