you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
