So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
