I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
