I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
