How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
