I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
