found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
