She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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