My room smells like vodka and shame
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
