Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
