I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
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