I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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