you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
