found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
this just has baby written all over it
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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