I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
