I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
