Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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