I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
