I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I need to calm my uterus...
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
