does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
