rhymes with "ouble enetration"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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