Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
