Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
