So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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