There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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