Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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