if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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