I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
