i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
