college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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