He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
