O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
