I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
