Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
