Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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