i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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