I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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