Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
