I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
