i wish my penis had a tongue
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
