I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
