Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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