I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
