Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
