then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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