I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
