Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
